Desire and Fear

As I sit here, watching it snow…again, I feel the urge to write about something that’s been in my heart for quite some time. I’ve pushed the bounds of self-disclosure here before, and I’m certain that there are people who might read my little piece of the blog-o-sphere and think I share too much, but I take a confessional view toward life. My life has been changed, my faith strengthened, by hearing the stories of others struggling and how God has helped them. So I share my heart, knowing I risk the loss of my pride (which is an illusion to begin with).

At any given time, I have two competing feelings inside me. (1) I want a baby. Now. (2) I am terrified of having a baby. There, I said it. Everyone who knows me, knows I want to have a baby. It’s been nearly a year since we lost Michael, and I haven’t been pregnant again. I thought for certain, in my arrogance, that I would be pregnant by fall. Then by Christmas. Now, I’m just hoping that maybe I’ll get pregnant sometime this year.

But what most people who know me don’t know is that I am 100% terrified of being pregnant and having a baby. Well, maybe 90%. When I was pregnant last year, my first thought after reading the test was, “What? How?” followed closely by “Oh.My.God. I don’t know if I can do this.” It was only after about an hour or so of internally freaking out on a Chicago city bus that I felt happy. Then I felt excited, elated. Then I felt terrified again.

Anytime I have thought of being pregnant since then, I have felt this overwhelming sense of fear, mixed with a smaller amount of happiness.

At first I thought that my feelings of fear and panic about being pregnant (or even thinking I might be pregnant) stemmed from losing Michael. That was such a traumatic experience for me, that of course, if I thought I was pregnant again, I would feel afraid of losing that baby too. The more I think about it, the more I doubt this. Losing Michael was a very traumatic experience for me, maybe even more than Atticus understands. I know that some of you who have miscarried understand what I mean.

But I was terrified of being pregnant and having a baby before I ever miscarried; during those weeks when I assumed that everything in this pregnancy would be fine. Before. I was the walking definition of ‘ignorance is bliss’ during those weeks.

My fear has to come from somewhere else, though I’m sure having miscarried has exacerbated it.

Last night, I was sitting in Adoration and Jesus hit me with the truth about my fear (no, not literally!), but He knows I need it sometimes. I think my fear comes from two places:

(1) I have a chronic illness (diabetes) that makes any pregnancy I have a high-risk one.

(2) My mother had a chronic illness (kidney disease), conceived me, had a high-risk pregnancy, and died seven years later.

Now, I am not saying I think I killed my mother or any such thing. There are plenty of women who have high-risk pregnancies and go on to have another, or just to have happy, long lives.

What I am saying is that I am haunted by her specter. I am haunted by the specter of having a pregnancy that might take such a toll on my body that it could shorten my life. I am frightened of passing on my genetic faults (diabetes and PCOS) to any future child (especially a daughter).

I am terrified of what being pregnant might do to my body. And I am not talking stretch marks here. For one thing, I would have to go off Metformin and onto two different types of Insulin (five injections daily). Blood sugar must be monitored with Nazi-like precision. Diabetic women who get pregnant have increased risk of kidney problems (tell that to the daughter of a woman who died from kidney disease), blindness, and advanced gum disease.

Despite all this, I’m not saying I don’t ever want to be pregnant. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be worth all these risks just to bring a child into the world. I am saying that it terrifies me because my mother died young, so I know that it is possible. And I know that being pregnant could put my health in a precarious position.

I also wonder how I could ever really love a child. Being a parent is such an awesome responsibility, how could I ever really live up to it? I am too demanding, too rigid. I get frustrated easily, I am often very spiritually lazy. How can I bring a child to Christ when I often feel like I have a hard enough time finding Him myself?

My deepest fear is that God knows these things, knows that my fears are not unfounded, and that is why I haven’t gotten pregnant.

All of this doubt crowds my mind. Then I catch the eye of a little one in Church, and he smiles at me, and the desire for a baby is so thick in my heart you could cut it with a knife.

I don’t have any resolution here, really. I guess I don’t need to. Maybe it’s enough just to put it out here; maybe that’s the first step in confronting the fear.

Have you ever wanted something, but was terrified to have it? Did you overcome your fear? How?

Superbowl Afterthought

In my sadness that my beloved Colts lost (we’ll get ‘em next year!), plus the sinus headache I’ve been nursing since yesterday afternoon, I forgot to thank the “National Organization for Less and Less Women All the Time” for alerting us all to the elevated threat level that would be achieved last night when Focus on the Family ran this “offensive” and “controversial” ad:

Whew, thanks for the heads-up NOW! Don’t you just find it “offensive” and “disgusting” when women go on and on about how much they love their kids, and how happy they are that they’re alive? I mean, that’s pretty sick right?

Celebrate family, Celebrate life? Who wants that “controversial” message broadcast into their living room while they’re trying to celebrate a football game…with their families.

Again, I must congratulate the Feminist establishment for making sure to keep us abreast of all “offensive” media that wants us to love our kids and support our families. Thanks ladies, although since that might offend you, thanks womyn.

7 Quick Takes Friday

** 1 **

Would you look at that, it’s snowing…again. If I wasn’t so excited about the COLTS impending SuperBowl win, I might be depressed.

Why is it that when it snows before Christmas it’s so magical, and when it snows after Christmas its so…pestilential?

** 2 **

I am going to be 26 in two weeks (18th). Last night Atticus and I were in the car, driving home from the grocery store. I was thinking about my birthday coming up, and dates in general. Then I said,

“1980 was 30 years ago.”

Atticus: What? Wait…oh yeah…*silence* I was born in 1982, which means I am almost 30. *silence*

Me: I am 4 years away from 30. I feel like that kid in Home Alone: AHHHHHHHH!

** 3 **

I just read this hi-larious article from The Onion about the Super Bowl. Oh Onion, you slay me.

Saints, Colts Hoping To Resolve Super Bowl Through Diplomacy

MIAMI—Team officials from the New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts emerged from a tense, 12-hour negotiating session Thursday and told reporters that, while they had yet to reach a settlement that would prevent a massive on-field conflict, the AFC and NFC champions were committed to resolving the Super Bowl through diplomatic channels.

“Playing this Super Bowl is our last resort,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who was flanked by the coaches and quarterbacks for the opposing teams. “Yes, there are some difficult issues that need to be hashed out, such as who will be the game’s MVP, the number of total passing yards for each quarterback, and which team will be named Super Bowl champion, but I think we made progress today.”

“The Colts and the Saints are unwavering in their commitment to avoid any violence and wish to resolve the Super Bowl peacefully, without a single football being thrown,” Goodell added.

go here to read the rest…hehehe.

** 4 **

Remember when this happened:

Fasten your seat belts COLTS Nation, because here we go again!

** 5 **

Just in case Peyton Manning ever gets tired of being an amazing quarterback, he could probably go into a career in comedy. WARNING: There is some bleeped swearing in the video.

Check out his hilarious “ad” on Hulu!

Spend time with your kids…so Peyton Manning doesn’t.

** 6 **

I had an interview this week for a part time position at the local library. I worked at my college library for three years and I really loved it. I should find out next week if I got it. I hope I did; the library is two blocks from home, so I can even walk there!

** 7 **

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and …GO COLTS!

Spring Things!

Ladies, I have got to tell you that I am ready for winter to be over. I know the groundhog saw his shadow and we’re in for six more weeks, but I have got to say that I am pretty much over it. February has exactly 3 good things: Super Bowl (go Colts!), Valentine’s Day, my birthday. Whoever said “April is the cruelest month” must have lived in Florida in February.

The winter blahs inspired me to go to etsy and shop for spring! Spring skirts and purses, to be exact. And let me tell you, have they given my sad winter heart a little dose of uplift. Now, obviously all of these skirts and bags are, alas, not in the family budget, but I’m hoping I can petition at least one for a birthday present. *crosses fingers*

Presenting…Sarah’s Favorites Spring Collection brought to you by Etsy!

e.liz.a.beth in the flower garden — I love the punch of color!

Butterflies!

This makes me want to go out and pick flowers!

I love purple, and I love this skirt. It looks so comfortable and cute!

This bag would be so sweet with a white long skirt or cotton sundress.

This retro circle skirt has an elastic waistband (yes!) which means it can be a “for now and maternity” piece.

Are you seeing a birds and flowers theme emerging here?

I love, love, turquoise. This would be a great bag for running errands and with a black or denim skirt!

Anchors aweigh! I love the nautical look, and I love retro circle skirts. This is a great combo; also with an elastic waist for “now and maternity” chic.

Two words: Farmer’s Market. Perfect!

This would be a great clutch to use with a spring dress in a neutral tone like white or navy, paired with a tan trench coat. Beautiful!

update: To find most of these bags, search ikabags and sineminugur — they are the two purse designers I liked the most! The skirts can be found by searching Tall Giraffe seller. I apologize for not including that the first time!

What do you think, ladies? If you were me, which skirt and purse would you pick? What spring things make you drool with anticipation for warmer days to wear them?

Tebow’s Ad Isn’t Intolerant; It’s Critics Are

I found this article from The Washington Post, via Facebook, and I felt that it was well-worth sharing. Pro-abortion groups like NOW and NARAL are still calling for CBS to pull the ad, though they have made it clear that they will run it. After all 1.5 million dollars is 1.5 million dollars to CBS, whether its coming from James Dobson or Cecile Richards.

This article is from a writer who is pro-choice, and that is why she supports the Tebow’s right to tell what she calls “a pro-choice story” in the Focus on the Family Ad:

“I’m pro-choice, and Tebow clearly is not. But based on what I’ve heard in the past week, I’ll take his side against the group-think, elitism and condescension of the “National Organization of Fewer and Fewer Women All The Time.” For one thing, Tebow seems smarter than they do.

Tebow’s 30-second ad hasn’t even run yet, but it already has provoked “The National Organization for Women Who Only Think Like Us” to reveal something important about themselves: They aren’t actually “pro-choice” so much as they are pro-abortion. Pam Tebow has a genuine pro-choice story to tell. She got pregnant in 1987, post-Roe v. Wade, and while on a Christian mission in the Philippines, she contracted a tropical ailment. Doctors advised her the pregnancy could be dangerous, but she exercised her freedom of choice and now, 20-some years later, the outcome of that choice is her beauteous Heisman Trophy winner son, a chaste, proselytizing evangelical.”

Her argument makes sense to me. People who are actually pro-choice support all the choices, and would have no reason to oppose an advertisement whose purpose is for one woman to tell the story of why she chose not to have an abortion. However, if the real description of these groups is that they are pro-abortion, then we see why they would oppose such an ad.

“Pam Tebow and her son feel good enough about that choice to want to tell people about it. Only, NOW says they shouldn’t be allowed to. Apparently NOW feels this commercial is an inappropriate message for America to see for 30 seconds, but women in bikini selling beer is the right one.”

She then goes on to make the very astute point that we all complain that there aren’t enough athlete role models, that athletes like Michael Vick, and Magic Johnson, etc. set a bad example for kids with their less-than-virtuous behavior. So then, what happens when a wonderful athlete comes along who has morals and isn’t afraid to talk about them? Oh yeah, he gets crucified.

Here’s what we do need a lot more of: Tebows. Collegians who are selfless enough to choose not to spend summers poolside, but travel to impoverished countries to dispense medical care to children, as Tebow has every summer of his career. Athletes who believe in something other than themselves, and are willing to put their backbone where their mouth is. Celebrities who are self-possessed and self-controlled enough to use their wattage to advertise commitment over decadence.

You know what we really need more of? Famous guys who aren’t embarrassed to practice sexual restraint, and to say it out loud. If we had more of those, women might have fewer abortions. See, the best way to deal with unwanted pregnancy is to not get the sperm in the egg and the egg implanted to begin with, and that is an issue for men, too — and they should step up to that.

“Are you saving yourself for marriage?” Tebow was asked last summer during an SEC media day.

“Yes, I am,” he replied.

The room fell into a hush, followed by tittering: The best college football player in the country had just announced he was a virgin. As Tebow gauged the reaction from the reporters in the room, he burst out laughing. They were a lot more embarrassed than he was.

“I think y’all are stunned right now!” he said. “You can’t even ask a question!”

That’s how far we’ve come from any kind of sane viewpoint about star athletes and sex. Promiscuity is so the norm that if a stud isn’t shagging everything in sight, we feel faintly ashamed for him.

Go here to read the whole thing; although I would not call myself pro-choice, with more pro-choice people who think like this woman, actual conversations about abortion might be possible.

What do you think about an ad telling the Tebow’s story running during the Super Bowl?

Growing up Feminine — 20 Years Later

I’m blogging today over at Ladies Who Blog Book Club, on chapter 2 of “Feminism is Not the Story of my Life” by Elizabeth Fox-Genovese, on femininity and feminism.

I read all of chapter 2, waiting for her to get to the really good stuff. Then I realized that the chapter was over. Oops. My initial reaction, which I wrote in the margins at the end said, “This chapter is dated, re: lipstick feminism”. The point has been made by several other ladies here that the research and information in this book is dated, so I don’t think I have to prove myself on that claim. However, I’d like to mention the one part of the chapter that I thought was really interesting, before I talk about what I *wish* had been in this chapter. What I wish she said about being feminine in 2010.

In talking of Naomi Wolf, author of The Beauty Myth: How Images of Beauty are Used Against Women, E F-G touches on what I felt to be one of the only points from this chapter that still feels like it makes sense in light of the experience of feminism and femininity that I had growing up, and more importantly, that my generation has had since 1996 (when I was in 6th grade and this book came out).

“Wolf echoes the complaints of generations of feminists who, from Mary Wollstonecraft to the present, has criticized the ways that feminine fashion keeps women in thrall to men. Simone deBeauvoir, in The Second Sex, especially deplored women’s disadvantage in a culture in which they must always look young and beautiful, while men could grow old in the security that the character and power etched on their faces would only enhance their appeal to the opposite sex.” (39)

I read that and thought, yeah! Look at drastic increase in things like botox and plastic surgery, or just that often the mothers of teenagers look like teenagers themselves. I wish this chapter had explored some of the implications of what’s called “lipstick feminism” or “sex and the city feminism” for lack of a better term. It’s this kind of “feminism” which I think was trying to revive the ideals of feminism, but make them more palatable to women who like to shop, wear makeup, and wouldn’t ever dream of going braless outside of their house.

The tagline is all about “empowerment”. It’s supposed to be empowering to be both sexually aggressive and disdainful of men at the same time. I’m not entirely sure who it is supposed to be empowering though. I say that because I used to live that. I bought into this idea of feminism which suggests that real “freedom” is the ability to sleep with anyone you’d like, at any time, for any reason, regardless of whether or not you even know or care about the man. Something I heard in college that I really internalized for many years was this: “Men should be like Kleenex. Soft, strong, and disposable.” Your girlfriends are your loves, the ones who know your heart; men are just people you have sex with.” How many women of my generation have taken this to heart?

While the pendulum has swung from “let’s all wear flannel and drive fork-lifts and who needs a man” feminism to “let’s all walk around half-naked and use men for sex while wearing skirts and heels” feminism, I don’t think that the latter is an improvement over the former.

What I’d love to see is a feminism, and a femininity that allows women to be women. Who sometimes like to wear dresses or skirts, or who always love them, or who can’t stand them. Who sometimes wear makeup, or always wear makeup, or hate to wear makeup. Who understand that there are more important things in life than lipstick, and 500$ handbags, and putting yourself first. But who also understand that there is something irreplaceable about the feel of a summer sundress and that “just came from the salon” sensation.

In essence, what I’m advocating for is a type of religious feminism. One that helps women to see that their value and dignity as women comes not from their waist size, or hair color, or shoe style, but from being made in the image of God, as a woman. That’s true femininity. Everything else, all of the makeup, and dresses, and all of it, is just icing on the cake. Pretty icing. Fun icing. Icing that is an avenue for bonding among women. But icing just the same.

That’s what I wish this chapter had been about.

When Death Comes

This Sunday night I wanted to share one of my all-time favorite poems with you. I hope you’ve had a wonderful weekend.

When death comes
like the hungry bear in autumn;
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut;
when death comes
like the measle-pox

when death comes
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering:
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood,
and I look upon time as no more than an idea,
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth,
tending, as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something
precious to the earth.

When it’s over, I want to say all my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it’s over, I don’t want to wonder
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.

I don’t want to find myself sighing and frightened,
or full of argument.

I don’t want to end up simply having visited this world.

- Mary Oliver

What is your favorite poem?

7 Quick Takes Friday

** 1 **

Atticus and I put an offer on a house! It’s a lovely house; has two bedrooms downstairs, and the whole third floor is the master bedroom, with a private bath, and more than enough room for a baby area in the bedroom (or a sitting area before we have a baby).

It was built in 1936, and it has an old school black and white checkered kitchen floor, as well as a charming little breakfast nook.

it’s on a very quiet, very walkable street, about a block from a public golf course, which has areas where people can walk/jog.

“Our” house from the front

I hope we get it!

** 2 **

This weekend Atticus and I are going to West Lafayette to see a Purdue basketball game. They are playing Penn State. I’m very excited; I haven’t seen a college basketball game since I graduated from the Mount.

Go Boilers!

** 3 **

I found this post on Creative Minority Report, and had to laugh as I read it. The author is talking about his experience talking to a woman who is all systems go with the “natural” lifestyle, but doesn’t see any inconsistency in continuing to pump her body full of chemicals via hormonal contraception.

I could relate to his feeling of, well, bafflement, that women who won’t put a piece of meat into their bodies if it has a hormone in it, will put hormones designed to alter completely their body chemistry, into their mouths, daily.

*shakes head* It’s a very funny piece, especially if you’ve got friends or relatives for whom this applies.

** 4 **

You know why I love Creative Minority Report? Because they take things that make me want to tear my hair out, and actually make me laugh. The site is just darn funny. Take for example, the Tim Tebow Superbowl Ad shenanigans that are going on. Basically, the pro-choice establishment is loosing it. They seem to have forgotten that while abortion is legal, so is freedom of speech, and CBS is recognizing that by playing the ads of the people who can pay for them.

Of course this enrages the pro-abortion movement, who would like everyone to think that every single pro-lifer is an old, rich, white man, rather than a normal woman, and her NCAA record-breaking, amazing athlete son.

Anyway, I love CMR’s take on the situation, it made me laugh out loud to read:

“The CRR (Center for Reproductive Rights) tried to first say the ad, which they haven’t even seen yet, is too controversial. Yeah, a mom saying that you should love your unborn baby even though your kid probably won’t break every record in NCAA football history because her kid already did that but your kid might be pretty cool anyway is soooooo controversial.”

hi-larious. Go here to read the rest of it.

** 5 **

5 days until:

In honor of this special day, I am considering ordering this:

LaFleur Head of Security

Go to CafePress.com to find many, many LOST t-shirts.

** 6 **

I recently heard the song “Always” by Switchfoot for the first time. I don’t know if you have heard it yet. It’s really very beautiful.

“Hallelujah I’m a wretched (wo)man, Hallelujah every breath is a second chance, and it is always yours, I am always Yours…”

** 7 **

That’s all folks. I hope you have a wonderful and blessed weekend. Rest up, because next weekend we need all hands on deck for COLTS NATION!

Jesus in a Love Song

I do not know if anyone else has this experience; when I heard certain love songs, I immediately associate them with Jesus. Some of them are Christian songs, most are not. But they all have to do with Love – they are songs that speak about unconditional love, and although they are written with an earthly beloved in mind, I can’t help but hear the words of these songs and think of my Divine Lover, one who created and completes my soul.

Just to illustrate what I am talking about, here’s a sample of love songs that have made me think of Jesus:

- Holy Water by Big and Rich

- You’ll be in my heart by Phil Collins

- I Run to You by Lady Antebellum

- Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis (At first I thought this was a bad song, she’s singing about a love which cuts her open…but listen harder, she’s singing about a love that cuts her open, and makes her feel, when she had been previously “closed off from love” and “my heart’s crippled by the vein I keep closing…you cut me open”…sometimes God cuts us open for our own good)

- I Just Call You Mine by Martina McBride

- All I Want is You by U2

- Lullaby by Dixie Chicks

- Open Your Heart by Madonna (yes, THAT Madonna! — I think this song is basically the gist of how God loves us)

When I hear these songs, sometimes I hear what God sings to me and to all of us about His love, sometimes I hear what I feel I’d sing to God about my love for Him. Think I’m nuts? Just give them a try, maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised like I was!

I’d like to think I’m looking at these songs the way that CS Lewis would have (a la The Four Loves). Of course I hear God in songs written for an earthly beloved, because God is ultimately the source and author of all love, both earthly and heavenly. Our earthly loves are echos of the Original, which is Love Himself, which is our God.

St. Teresa of Avila has been quoted as saying “God walks among pots and pans.” So why not in a love song?

Have you ever encountered God in an unconventional medium, or a place where you did not expect to?

101 Wednesday

I originally posted this in September of 2009. I am re-posting this as part of Dawn’s 101 Wednesday carnival! 101 Wednesday is where you have a chance to post something basic about our Catholic faith, life, teachings.

Head over to No Heavy Lifting to participate!

On Why I Go to Adoration

I belong to a group called Spirit and Truth here in Indy; the group was actually started, as far as I can tell, by St. Stanislaus Kostka parish in Chicago, where they have the Sanctuary of the Divine Mercy. I can’t really describe it, because it is so amazing, but I will post a photo from their website and some information from it as well.

The above photo is of the Mary-shaped monstrance and Jesus in the middle. Wow, right? Here’s some information from the St. Stan’s website about how this came about:

Here in the heart of Chicago, as in innumerable places throughout the world, heaven is reaching out to humanity in a gesture of mercy to kindle within the soul a desire for God. The Holy Mother of God — the tabernacle that so long ago concealed the Holy of Holies — continues her apostolic mission to make Jesus known, loved, and served. She gently and tenderly, gracefully and mercifully, reminds a wayward, wandering, and wondering people that they, too, are known, loved, and served by God.

Our Lady’s request for a Sanctuary of The Divine Mercy is a mother’s plea to her children to seek refuge in God. To this end, she prepares holy ground where sacred silence gives way to the sound of God’s voice. She will not permit the cacophony of the world to interrupt or distort the voice of the living God. She will provide the means to draw the pilgrims to the Sanctuary of The Divine Mercy and into the silence of the adoration chapel where Jesus will give to drink from the fountain of mercy.

The Sanctuary of The Divine Mercy will be an encounter with the Living God in the silence of sacred space. There, away from the noise of the world, the soul will “contemplate the face of Christ in the school of Mary.”

Needless to say, if you’re ever in Chicago, check it out!

Back to Spirit and Truth; it was started at this parish a few years ago as a way to get young adults more engaged with their faith. Each week there is a speaker or discussion on a certain topic about spirituality, adoration for about an hour, and then usually people go out for drinks or dinner. So it combines spirituality, Eucharistic Adoration, and community — all things we need to be fulfilled.

Husband and I went a few times in Chicago, but honestly, there’s so much going on in Chicago, it was hard to get there every week.

Fast forward to Indy — we attended a small lecture series on the Theology of the Body at our parish, and we met this couple who had started Spirit and Truth here in town. So we have been going just about every week since June.

Why Spirit and Truth?

“God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in Spirit and Truth.”  – John 4:24

Why Adoration? Here’s what Pope Benedict XVI thinks:

“In the Eucharist, the Son of God comes to meet us and desires to become one with us; eucharistic adoration is simply the natural consequence of the eucharistic celebration, which is itself the Church’s supreme act of adoration. (192) Receiving the Eucharist means adoring him whom we receive. Only in this way do we become one with him, and are given, as it were, a foretaste of the beauty of the heavenly liturgy. The act of adoration outside Mass prolongs and intensifies all that takes place during the liturgical celebration itself. Indeed, “only in adoration can a profound and genuine reception mature. And it is precisely this personal encounter with the Lord that then strengthens the social mission contained in the Eucharist, which seeks to break down not only the walls that separate the Lord and ourselves, but also and especially the walls that separate us from one another.” – Apostolic Exhortation on the Eucharist, 2007

Can I just pause here for a moment and say, I really love the Pope.

Ok. Back to Adoration. So now we know, from the horse’s mouth, so to speak, why everyone should go to Adoration. But why do I go?

I didn’t always go, but it always made sense to me. God has really graced me as a Catholic in a a few very specific ways, and one of those ways was in the infused grace of knowing, almost instinctively, that the Eucharist is the REAL PRESENCE of Christ. I remember being a very young child, like five or six, when my mother was still alive, and going to Church with her, and saying to her, “That’s really Jesus up there!”

Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not claiming that this has happened because of any special talent or holiness on my part, rather that God has really gifted me with this faith. This knowledge and faith is, in part, one of the reasons I came back to the Catholic Church after a hiatus during college. I just KNEW that Jesus was in the Eucharist, and he wasn’t truly present anywhere else — and I missed Him something fierce.

Missing Jesus, this is ultimately why I decided to go to Adoration each week. Every time I went in the past, it was a spiritually rewarding time, and I felt refreshed, challenged, or otherwise stirred from spiritual complacency. I have recently reached a point where, if I am not going weekly (or very near weekly) I miss Jesus terribly. I know He’s there; I want to be where He is.

Some people in the Church, a lot of younger people and baby-boomer age people, think that Adoration is out-dated and a waste of time, though they usually don’t put it quite as bluntly. Fr. McBrien of Notre Dame recently said that Eucharistic Adoration is a theological step backward. I find this rather amusing, given what the Pope has said of Adoration in the exhortation above. I think I’ll side with BXVI on this one.

And to people like Fr. McBrien, I would just say, come and sit with Jesus for an hour. It will be weird and possibly awkward at first — it always is. Your foot will fall asleep, you’ll feel hungry, you’ll be tempted to make a shopping list in your head, or, you might even feel like going to sleep. Go with it. All of the things you think and feel, Jesus already knows.

He wants us to be with him — He wants US to BE with HIM. God wants to hang out with us. This is a big deal, if I can make an understatement. And yes, Jesus is always everywhere, and you can bring him with you everywhere, which is awesome. But if you really believed that he was sitting in a pew at the local church waiting for you – body, blood, soul, divinity – would you waste time reading my blog before sprinting over to Him?

This is adoration; Jesus waiting for us, to be with us. It doesn’t have to be fancy prayers, or even any prayers. It can be a conversation, it can be silence in your heart. It can be any of the millions of things that Jesus wills it to be. But it can’t be anything if we don’t show up.